Keep Your Shoes On

Have you ever participated in a small group? Maybe it was a Bible study, or community group, or playgroup for pre-school parents, or even a book club. Last week, my husband and I had our first meeting with a new group we’ll lead this year. It was exciting, and it made me think about some things that are important to know if you’re going to be a member of a group.

First, let me give you a little snapshot of our first group meeting. Around 10:00 am that day, I got a message that 4 new couples had been added to our group. So, that put the total around 14 members. I sent out a quick message to those who had just signed up. I welcomed them to the group, but knew they may not even get the message in time to attend the first meeting. It’s tough to plan for a group that may be 14 and may be only 5-6. So, I made a snack that could be easily added to if necessary. I didn’t put out extra chairs yet because I didn’t want to look like a sad, middle schooler who planned a party for 50 and only 4 showed up.

At 7:20, we opened the front door and one couple came in. They were very friendly and we connected right away around having kids in high school, and being dog owners, and other things that suburban families have in common. And then, we waited. Surely, it won’t be just one couple right? And as the clock ticked past the starting time, I gave my husband a look of panic. He just calmly said, “Since this may be all of us, let’s take a seat in the living room.” A few minutes later another woman joined us. If I’m honest, I felt embarrassed, and a little silly for the hours I spent readying the house for such a small group. But then, I started to listen to the conversation and people were connecting. They were sharing and listening and making eye contact and I decided to focus on the brave people who did show up instead of worrying about why the others didn’t.

This past Tuesday, we had our second meeting and two other couples were there and a third assured use they’ll be starting next week. We had another wonderful discussion and I know God has every member there for a purpose and I’m looking forward to seeing what he has planned for our group. All my irrational worries seem pretty silly now.

If you’re a member of a group or are thinking about joining one, I’ve noticed a few things about group life that may be helpful. I’ve been in or led small groups for most of my adult life, so I’ve seen some things.

Joining a group is a risk

The people who will be joining are taking a risk. They’ve probably almost talked themselves out of it a few times before arriving. They are like people who buy a car on the internet and they haven’t test-driven it yet. It’s nerve-wracking. If you’re new to a group, you may have all these feelings too. And it’s completely normal. In fact, I decided last week I’m going to go to a book club today at the library. I read the book and it was a pretty difficult read and I’m still kind of not sure if I want to show up. So, yeah. It’s a risk. If new people show up at your group, do everything you can to make them feel welcome -even if you’re not the leader. You may be the reason they come back next time.

Hold first impressions loosely

Have you ever gone back and re-watched the pilot of your favorite TV show? Writers have to establish those characters and they can feel a little over the top -like caricatures of the characters they’ll eventually be. Joey in “Friends” was so dumb, Sookie in “Gilmore Girls” was accident-prone, Michael Scott in “The Office” had no sense of self. And, while those traits are still there, they are less blaring in later episodes, except maybe Michael.  First impressions in a group may be the same. You may find yourself trying to remember the names of your group members on the way home, and say things like, “She was the the one with the really big earrings. He’s the cop. She was the one who talked a lot about gardening.” These are first impressions, and though they may be somewhat accurate, hold them loosely or you may miss an opportunity to really connect. When people are nervous, they can almost be caricatures of themselves. The nervous talker will probably talk more. The one who tends to be quiet may be almost mute. The person who tries to make jokes will be playing the comedian the whole time. But first impressions aren’t always accurate. Hold them loosely and you’ll probably get to know the person as a whole throughout your time together. She may still talk a lot about her garden, but hopefully other things too.

Find common ground

A few years ago, I found myself on the other side of town during rush hour on a Friday night. Rather than sit in traffic for an hour, I decided to grab the book I had in my car and go out to dinner. I was thrilled for an hour to myself with just my book and some tacos. But I was seated right beside the most awkward first date in history. So, no. I didn’t get much from my book. In fact, I was eavesdropping so hard I was afraid I might be holding it upside-down. The reason the date was like watching a train wreck was the man wanted to know her opinion on every possible hot button topic. And shocker! They didn’t agree on anything. He asked about gun control, abortion, healthcare, you name it. It felt like a presidential debate instead of a first date. Small groups are a place for you to be real. You can and should go beyond the surface in conversation, but it’s best to stay away from topics that are designed to divide. Find common ground. Don’t put people on the defensive or assume everyone in the group has the same stance as you on these kinds of topics. This will get harder as we approach November, but group life is more important than any agenda you may have, so leave that stuff at the door. A good leader will steer the conversation away from those things at warp speed, but do your best to find common ground. That night at the restaurant was very entertaining for me, but I can’t imagine they ever went out again.

Have grace with your leaders

In the first few minutes of our first group last week, about a hundred things were going through my head. “Is this everyone? Did my email not go through? What will the three people who showed up think about this sad turnout? I can’t believe I warned the neighbors we may have extra people parked outside. Is the dip I made still warm? Is that a cobweb on the ceiling?” And although my husband was leading the discussion, I know many of those things were also on his mind. (Probably not the cobweb, but some of the others.) So, if your leader seems frazzled, or she’s talking a little fast, or loses her train of thought, have grace with her. Just like it’s nerve-wracking to show up to a group for the first time, it’s nerve-wracking to lead a new group. Leaders will find their rhythm in time. In the meantime, see how you can help. Maybe you volunteer to write down prayer requests, or reach out to someone who isn’t there, or bring a snack. Those are things your leader may need help with.

Keep showing up

Years ago, we had a lovely couple join our group. But the fall was hard for them because they had kids in sports. They came once or twice in the winter, but it was tough to get back out of the house after they had gotten home from work. Spring was also busy. At the end of the year, they said, “We just didn’t get a lot out of group this year.” They said it like there was some sort of mystery to be solved. Of course they didn’t. They weren’t there. And in their absence, people were connecting with each other. I completely understand busy schedules. And I think it’s better to be in a group you can’t attend every week than no group at all, but don’t be surprised if you don’t get a lot out of a group you don’t go to very much. Do your best to keep that time free. And if you know you won’t go back out on a cold, dark night in January if you take off your shoes after work, then just keep them on. Later, you’ll be sitting in the circle, laughing and connecting and you’ll be glad you chose to show up.

Take care of each other

No matter what kind of group you’re in, build relationships. If you know someone is going through something, pray for them, take them out for coffee, bring them a meal. You may just be in a book club, but it’s not really about the book. It’s about connecting with other people. Doing life together is the goal -true connections that go beyond the discussion or topic. When you have a group like that, you’ll do anything you can to be there.

I hope you’re in a group or that you’ll join one. Even though that dream Flynn Ryder has in “Tangled” sounds attractive at times, we weren’t designed to live life on an island. (Even if we’re surrounded by enormous piles of money.) We were made to be in community. Things are just easier when we choose to live life the way God designed for us live it. So, keep your shoes on and show up.

Blessings,

Shannon